At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
