So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
