i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
