those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
