ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
