i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
