Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
