i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
