Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
