If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
