That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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