I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
