The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
