Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
