I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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