I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
