wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
