i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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