My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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