Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize