He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
