just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
