I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
