Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
