She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
