I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
