I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
