please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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