I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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