You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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