good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
