Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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