I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
