We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
