I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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