Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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