I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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