fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
