I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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