a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
