right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm like, not good at living.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
