Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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