You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
