Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
