My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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