when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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