Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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