I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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