We need to rekindle our bromance
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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