There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
