we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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