ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
3 2 1 whiskey
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
