hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
