I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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