Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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